


Spiralling

by nursemchurt



Series: 禁じられた遊び -Adult Children- [5]
Category: BUCK-TICK
Genre: Anal Sex, First Time, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, M/M, Minor Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 00:23:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14726435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nursemchurt/pseuds/nursemchurt
Summary: Atsushi is still struggling with the idea that he'll never leave Fujioka.





	Spiralling

**Author's Note:**

> I remembered the rest of the band existed hey!!
> 
> Also, apologies again, don't read this if you're already feeling sad.

Despite Hisashi being back in town, things never quite get back to the way they were before their graduation. Atsushi finds himself feeling even lonelier during the week than he did with him in Tokyo it seems. Hisashi spends his time at home, either helping out at his family’s store or up in his old bedroom, which has been reopened as the local hangout spot for everyone. Even Hide and Yuta manage to drop in for a bit after school, but Atsushi is still trapped between work and home, now even more so that his father is unemployed. The older man had become more unpredictable in his moods, so he found it best to be home as often as he could as defense for his mom. The fights that broke out between Atsushi and his dad became more frequent but fortunately stayed mostly verbal.

Even with the lack of increased time together however, the intensity of their few stolen moments of intimate time burned white hot. Hisashi chalked it up to absence, hearts growing fonder and all, but the reality for Atsushi was more complicated than just that. He was desperate. Desperate to have something to hang on to during his lonely days, desperate to shower Hisashi in affection to make up for his indiscretion, and desperate to not just feel loved but to feel deserving of it.

Hisashi used his return to Fujioka in defeat as fuel to work harder on the band. He’d easily beaten Hide to the next song, and with that more and more songs flowed forth with ease. The band finally had enough original material, he thought, so why not change the name to symbolize their move from a simple cover band to a more authentic one? He presented the idea to the rest of the band, but they knew that when it came to matters like this, Hisashi was simply informing them of what would happen, not asking for their input. So from the end of the summer forward, Hinan Go-Go was officially known as Buck-Tick and they were putting in extra effort to debut their new name and sound at the next event they had signed up to play at.

 

About a couple of weekends before the concert, Atsushi pulled another vanishing trick on the band. Remembering the last time he’d done this, and how the situation with his father had become more strained these days, Hisashi immediately checked on him that following Monday morning. Seeing that the car was in the driveway made him a bit nervous. Atsushi had started driving to work instead of taking the bus in order to get home sooner. Hoping that maybe he had decided to take the bus for some reason, Hisashi waited at the stop in order to catch Atsushi on his way back home. He waited until the final bus for the night dropped off its handful of passengers and sullenly returned home. By Friday afternoon he’d had enough of waiting around for Atsushi.

 

Marching down to his house, Hisashi was determined to find out what was going on once and for all. He braced himself for many possible scenarios for when he arrived and knocked at the door, but was taken aback by the one he never thought of being what he showed up for.

“Oh. You’re one of Atsushi’s friends, aren’t you?” Hisashi was greeted by Atsushi’s mom at the door. She spoke softly and looked as if she hadn’t slept well in days. “Please come in, I’m sure he’ll be happy that you’ve come to offer your condolences.”

Condolences? Hisashi thought as he followed the older woman into the house. As they made their way to Atsushi’s room, he noticed a small table at the far end of the hall with something on top of it covered by a white cloth draped over. Was it?

“Atsushi,” his mother spoke a bit louder to make sure she was heard through the closed door, “One of your friends is here to see you, and I’m headed to the temple to finalize some things before this weekend.” Before taking her leave, Atsushi’s mom looked over Hisashi, who was now feeling uncomfortable for showing up in a t-shirt and basketball shorts, and smiled.

“You’re the boy from the graduation ceremony right? I’m glad my Atsushi has a friend like you. He can be so…” She paused, as if unable to find the right word, “Anyway. I know he can be moody, but I’ve seen what good hanging out with you and his other music friends has been for him.” Her voice was beginning to crack, so she took her leave, embarrassed of becoming so emotional. Once she was out of the house, with the sound of the door shutting behind her, Atsushi slowly and quietly opened the door to his room.

 

Hisashi swallowed as he took in the sight of Atsushi before him. He looked even worse for wear than his mother, with a paler than normal complexion emphasizing dark circles under his eyes. Stepping aside to let Hisashi in, he closed the door to his room which was dimly lit by what sunlight could filter through the blinds and curtain covering his window. Taking a seat on Atsushi’s twin bed, Hisashi motioned for Atsushi to sit next to him, but he stayed standing motionless by his bedroom door, eyes cast down at his own feet.

“It was Saturday morning,” Atsushi began, “I woke up and mom was in the living room screaming and crying. I ran out because I thought he was hitting her but… He was dead on the sofa. They said it was a heart attack.”

“Acchan…” Hisashi paused. He wasn’t entirely sure if ‘I’m sorry that your shitbag abusive dad dropped dead’ was the right thing to say or not.

“What a piece of shit,” Atsushi laughed bitterly, “He still had a fucking cigarette in his hand but fortunately it burned out without starting anything. It’s almost like he wanted us to go along with him.”

“Well, you didn’t and I’m glad. I wish you’d let me know what was going on, everyone was worried. I was worried.” Hisashi got up and took Atsushi by his hand, guiding him to sit on the bed with him. Atsushi continued to avoid looking up, afraid of seeing Hisashi’s face as he spoke.

“I know, I’m sorry. Everything was so sudden, and I needed to be here for mom, at least until my brother got in. Anyway, the funeral is this weekend so I’ll go back to work next week…”

“And you’ll be good for the concert the next weekend, right?”

Atsushi simply chewed his lip in response and tilted down his head until his long bangs hid his eyes. Hisashi slowly, carefully, raised Atsushi’s face back up to meet his with a hand to his chin, feeling sadness at Atsushi’s eyes glittering wetly.

“Look I… I’m sorry but you need to find a new drummer. I can’t make it next weekend, or any other weekend.”

“Soosh, what are you saying?”

“Hisa don’t you fucking understand? It’s over, I can’t leave Fujioka now!” He pulled away from Hisashi, putting distance between them on the bed.

“But, but, your brother’s graduating soon right?”

“Hisashi,” Atsushi yelled, the use of his full name to emphasize the seriousness of the situation, “There’s fucking nothing for him here! You think he’s gonna come back and work at a factory or some fucking combini after University? He’s already said so! I don’t have anything better to offer than to stay and take care of mom. You need to move on, you deserve better than me!”

Hisashi lunged at Atsushi, his hands firmly against the headboard behind him, pinning Atsushi between his arms. What Atsushi was trying to do was unacceptable to him.

“And what do you deserve? C’mon Soosh, this is ridiculous! We’re going to figure this out, I promise!”

 

Feeling himself splitting into a million different feelings, not knowing which one to allow to surface, Atsushi found himself reaching out to find Hisashi’s mouth with his own, desperate to feel grounded to something. Someone. He held Hisashi’s face firmly between his hands as continued kissing him, tasting his own tears roll into their slightly parted mouths as he tried to stamp out his grief with longing. As he felt Hisashi let go of the headboard slightly, Atsushi took advantage, pushing forward and shifting their positions. With Hisashi now laid out on the bed under him, Atsushi moved down Hisashi’s neck fully intent on leaving dark marks of possession on him. His hands slid up under the loose t-shirt Hisashi wore, gripping tightly to his sides. Straddling Hisashi, he pressed himself against him, very aware of the growing erection poorly concealed under the baggy shorts Hisashi wore and kisses him hard as he thrusts his own need down onto Hisashi.

Sliding his hands up further Atsushi pulled Hisashi’s t-shirt up and over before sitting up and removing his own. He looked down at Hisashi, flushed with swollen lips and heavy lidded eyes. Atsushi’s heart stings as he takes in the gorgeous sight under him. Everything he’s ever wanted, ever needed has been right there these past few years, and the feeling of it all slipping away makes him want to cry more.

“Atsushi,” Hisashi says his name softly as one of his hands idly runs circles on his abdomen with a thumb, “I love you.”

Atsushi presses the heels of his palms to his eyes, trying to stifle the flow of tears. He doesn’t feel worthy of love right now, he doesn’t feel worthy of anything at all. But the ache of loneliness is in him again, telling him to put that aside for this moment.

“Hisa…” He hisses as Hisashi rolls his hips up into his own. “Hisa, I need you.” Breaking free of Hisashi’s grip, he raises up to sit back on his heels as he’s pulling down the elastic waistband of Hisashi’s shorts, springing him free of the material. He gets up off the bed momentarily so Hisashi can finish kicking off his shorts, and also to remove his own pants as well. Before resuming his position on top of Hisashi, Atsushi turns back and searches the drawer of his nightstand. He pulls out a small bottle and dispenses some of it across fingers before taking that hand back behind himself once he’s back straddling Hisashi.

As he begins to slide fingers into himself he fights to keep his eyes locked with Hisashi’s. His breath hitches as he stretches himself open, a bit harder and faster than he should, but he feels the need to hurry so intensely that it overrides most of his body’s signals to slow down. Withdrawing his hand with a sigh, he reaches to Hisashi to coat him as well, before holding him still at the base.

 

When Hisashi first feels himself enter Atsushi, warm and tight and a little unyielding, he finds himself staring up slack jawed at the beautiful young man above him. The look on Atsushi’s face is a little pained, and he groans while taking Hisashi into himself. Once he stops, Hisashi brings his hands to Atsushi’s thighs, stroking them softly.

“Are you okay?” He questions, and Atsushi nods back, “I'm good, I'm good.”

But Hisashi isn't convinced. As good as it feels inside of him, Atsushi's face and jerky movements on top of him make him uncomfortable. “Acchan. Get up.” He says, holding Atsushi by his hips, up enough that he's able to slide himself out.

Atsushi suddenly feels horribly exposed and humiliated as Hisashi moves away from him. He's silently cursing himself, that he's fucked up, that he should be ashamed, and he's so wrapped up in beating himself up that he misses Hisashi crawling back closer to him until Hisashi is holding his face in his hands and bringing their foreheads together.

“Acchan, we don't have to do this if you don't want to.” Atsushi shakes his head in disagreement and sniffles a bit, wiping at his nose with the back of a hand.

“No. No, I want to,” he whispers, tears falling, “God I want to Hisa, please.” Hisashi wipes at his wet cheeks with his thumbs before pulling him into an embrace. He lovingly runs his fingers into Atsushi's hair and calms him with a flurry of soft kisses.

In the back of his mind, he suddenly thinks about the times he'd run into Atsushi before they'd become friends and if anyone else knew that his cold, intimidating demeanor held such a tender person inside. He doubted it, or they'd all love him as much as he did. In fact, it made him sad to think about. Hisashi felt like Atsushi deserved more love and happiness than just what he could give him.

“I want you to lay down Acchan,” he instructed, “And you need to let me know. If I'm hurting you, or if you want to stop, please tell me. I'm not gonna get mad, you know that right?”

 

Now, with Atsushi on his back and Hisashi knelt between his legs, Hisashi scoured the bed for the bottle Atsushi had tossed aside and frowned as he held it up to read.

“Hand lotion? Does that even work for this?” He grinned as a naked and blushing Atsushi shrugged underneath him. As he inserted a finger inside of Atsushi, he curved it ever so slightly inside, intently watching the response in his face. Atsushi moaned softly and closed his eyes as he leaned into the touch. Hisashi continued exploring inside of him, gradually adding more fingers as Atsushi relaxed.

With his free hand, he roamed around Atsushi's lower body, guitar calloused fingers ghosting up the soft inside of his thighs and dipping into the slight V dip in his hips. Atsushi turned halfway over, burying his face into a pillow to drown out his cries as Hisashi squeezed his erection as he pumped his fist around it. Unsure of which sensation to lean into more, Atsushi simply went limp and gave into Hisashi's deftly skilled hands.

“Hisa,” He dragged out his name, caught in long moan, “Please. I want you.” Pulling his fist off, stopping long enough to dip his thumb into the wetness forming at the head, Hisashi flipped Atsushi the rest of the way over onto his stomach, the fingers of his other hand still buried deep inside of him. As Hisashi pulled his fingers out, Atsushi hissed at the loss of Hisashi filling him, until he felt the tip of his penis push in.

 

Hisashi started in a cautious way that was maddingly slow for the both of them, pushing in a some before pulling back, not quite entirely out, and moving back in just a bit further than before. Atsushi gripped at his pillow, knuckles white, and cried out begging for more. He wanted to push back into him but Hisashi was holding his hips firmly down against the mattress, hands pressed down on them and his legs holding Atsushi's own shut between his knees. Once his own hips were flush against Atsushi's ass he started to roll them against him, moaning alongside Atsushi as the sensation of being taken in completely washed over him entirely.

As he began to rock himself in and out, slowly at first but speeding up as he felt Atsushi yield further to him, he leaned forward to sprinkle hasty kisses across Atsushi's back. It was difficult to manage, but Hisashi still wanted to kiss and touch Atsushi everywhere he could, gasping out I love you’s through labored breath. In response, all Atsushi could find himself able to do was cry out Hisashi's name, tears streaming as he was overcome by the ecstasy of Hisashi inside of him pushing against places that brought stars to his eyes as he came against the bed, still screaming Hisashi's name.

Hisashi followed closely behind, pushing all the way back in one more time as he grinded into Atsushi until he orgasmed as well. He struggled to catch his breath as he waited to stop feeling so sensitive before leaving Atsushi with a groan and collapsing on top of him, face to one side as he rested it between Atsushi's shoulder blades. After a while they both got off the bed, Atsushi cleaning off his stomach with a tissue while Hisashi folded down the messy comforter before sliding into the flat sheet under, beckoning Atsushi back in with him. As they did their best to fit on the twin bed together, Hisashi took Atsushi into a long kiss, holding him tight against his own body.

He wanted to tell him, how much he loved him and how they would figure this out just like they had done before, but Hisashi knew this wasn't the time. Instead, he just held Atsushi close as he heard him start to yawn and stroked his soft hair until they both fell asleep for a while, making sure to be up and dressed before Atsushi's mom returned.

 

The following Saturday after the funeral, the rest of the band, including Yuta who had stayed over at Hide's house Friday night, met to go over their planned setlist and practice one more time before heading into Takasaki for their show. As they loaded everything up into Hisashi's father's van before climbing in themselves, the four waved goodbye to Atsushi. He had decided to drive into Takasaki himself in order to be free to leave soon after the show if needed.

 

“Hisashi, stop pacing around you're making me fucking nervous!” Araki shouted. They were all sitting in the back of the venue along with the other bands playing that night. They arrived early to unload and find their time slot for the night, which was about midway, but as it drew closer to the doors opening Atsushi still a no-show.

“Bro seriously, can you sit down already?” Araki picked up Hisashi's now guitarless guitar bag and started to rifle through the pockets in it. “Look just… Just come chill and have a smoke with me.” He pulled out the packet of cigarettes from the bag flipping it open to grab two cigarettes for them when he noticed a piece of paper tucked inside. Nosy, Araki pulled it out and read it, not sure of how to approach Hisashi about it.

“God damn it Soosh!” Hisashi screamed as his fist holding the note slammed into the wall next to him. “You fucking! How could you!” Releasing a rage that startled his bandmates and the other musicians around them, Hisashi furiously attacked the wall until he was pulled away by two pairs of arms. Araki and Hide.

“Imai seriously, that's enough already, what the hell?” Hide was shocked at Hisashi's sudden behavior at one small note. “What has got you so pissed off?”

“He quit!” Hisashi yelled in Hide's face as he thrust the note into his chest, “He quit and he didn't even have the fucking guts to do in my face!”

Hide read the note, holding it to where Yuta could also read it from where he was peeking out behind him.

 

_ Hisa-kun, _

_ I'm sorry but I've decided there's no way for Buck-Tick to continue with me as your drummer. I'm also sorry that I'm doing this so suddenly. I can't bear to see the face you're probably making right now, or hear you try to convince me to change my mind. _

_ I know that Yuta’s brother is there tonight and he's familiar with our songs. Please go on without me, both the band and yourself. _

_ I'm sorry I can't be better. You all deserve better. _

 

__ -Atsushi _ _

 

 

Hide crushed the note in his hands, incredulous at Atsushi's immature and dramatic behavior but also frustrated at Hisashi.

“Imai. How long has this been going on?” Hisashi looked up surprised. “Everyone knows you two have been messing around together, but how long has he been acting like this? And you didn't even tell us, your fucking friends! There's no way he fucking woke up and decided to quit, what the fuck happened?” Hisashi sighed, burying his face into his hands.

“Hide, it doesn't matter right now, you can yell at Hisashi-senpai later.” Yuta was tugging at Hide's sleeve, trying to break up the storm clouds forming over his guitarists. As Hide’s stance relaxed, Yuta continued, “We need to get Atsushi-senpai here, and I know just who I can ask!”

 

Furious that he is always such a pushover to his younger brother, Toll speeds down the road to Fujioka. He knows they all want their friend to play with them, but as he's learned in his own years as a musician and in life, what you want isn't always what you can get or even need. If Atsushi will, he'll bring him back to Takasaki for the show, but he's also made plans to drum for both bands tonight if not.

He pulls up to the house with a car already parked in it's driveway. Good, he thinks, that should mean he's home. After knocking on the door he's greeted by Atsushi himself who is staring wide eyed at the mohawked man in front of him.

“Expecting your boyfriend? Too bad, because he's in the next town expecting you. They all are. Get dressed and grab your fucking shit in 15 or I'm leaving without your selfish ass.”

 

The drive back to Takasaki is filled with silence until Toll eventually speaks.

“They say you should never date your coworkers you know.” Atsushi looks over at him puzzled. “Music, that's a job even when it doesn't pay, and your band is like your coworkers, you get me?” Toll returns Atsushi's gaze and sighs. “But I get it, you can't help who you fall for. Relationships are hard, no matter the kind. You guys are already doing double duty of keeping a working relationship while staying friends, throw in dating and well…”

“It's not just that,” Atsushi says quietly.

“Of course it's not, that would make it easy right? Anyways, what I'm trying to say is, you're juggling a lot right now and you're going to need to look at what's important to you and what you can set aside. Everyone wants it all but if you keep aiming for it, you're going to be left with shit.”

They return to the show, just in time for Toll’s band to go on. Buck-Tick is on right after, so Atsushi busies himself with setting up his drums, unable to look anyone in the eye, especially not Hisashi.

 

As they finish their set to a healthy round of cheers and applause, they help remove their instruments from the stage and over to the back. As Atsushi breaks down his drumset, Hisashi comes over to help him in silence. Packing it into the van the rest took, Hisashi shuts the doors closed and catches Atsushi by a belt loop as he tries to walk away.

 

“We’re not done here Soosh,” He says flatly, “I'm not letting you run off like you didn't just fuck with everyone this time.” Slowly pushing Atsushi back against the van, Hisashi straightened his arms out to keep distance between them.

“Hisa I'm sorry I didn't mean to upset yo-”

“Well too bad because I'm fucking pissed. Why didn't you just tell me sooner? You… I can't believe you just stuck a fucking note in my cigs man, I mean what the hell?” Hisashi's eyes narrowed as he did his best to restrain his anger.

Atsushi sighed, “I'm sorry. I've been trying to keep things normal between us but it's hard!” Hisashi raised an eyebrow at this.

“I'm not sure I get you. I mean, if you needed to take a break from the band for a while, you know we'd have understood. Hell, if you really did want to leave it… I'd been sad but I would have understood.”

Atsushi shook his head, trying his hardest not to get emotional. “No. I… Hisashi. Hisashi I fucked up and you're not going to forgive me.”

 

As Atsushi told him about that stormy night with a coworker, Hisashi's face stayed emotionless save for the tears rolling down his face. He caught Hide making his way around the corner and held up a hand to stop him from coming closer. Crossing his arms against his chest, Hisashi sighed exhaustedly as he slowly shook his head.

“Ok well. Obviously, I'm hurt, I'm upset, but… It's my fault too. I should have kept in touch with you more. I'm surprised you didn't think I was running around Tokyo doing the same… You didn't think I was doing the same, did you?” Atsushi shook his head no. “Alright, well… I'm not taking all the blame here, you bailed on everyone and that actually pisses me off even more. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're doing this so we'll push you away,” signalling for the others, he continued as they were in listening range, “As long as everyone else forgives you, and you promise that you'll quit in our face the next time you want to, you're welcome back into the band.”

Atsushi's eyes widened. He didn't intentionally plan to sabotage them this way, he was just scared and now didn't feel worthy of staying. But here they were, debating on whether to keep him or not. After quick deliberation, the rest of the band agreed. Atsushi was welcome back, but if he pulled a stunt like this again, there would be no more chances.

 

As the rest of them finished loading their own things into the back, Hisashi and Atsushi got inside the passenger section of it. Hisashi in the driver's seat and Atsushi behind him.

“Thank you Hisa,” Atsushi said, breaking the silence, “I don't deserve it but thank you for taking me back.”

“Atsushi,” Hisashi replied flatly, refusing to turn to face him, “The band took you back. Look, I'm not sure where we can go from here now. I'm still moving back to Tokyo when everyone else does. Maybe… Maybe it's best if we don't do,” he pointed at the both of them using his thumb and pinky, “This while we're so far apart. I still love you, and that's why I'm doing this. I don't think we can keep going right now without hurting each other again.” Atsushi nodded, realizing he was too drained to even begin to cry. Even though he realized he’s never once said it back, he loves Hisashi too. If being friends and bandmates are the best they can do, he’ll take it to never lose him again.

 

Without Yuta there to play the diplomat, the drive home was full of silence for the four. Even after things settled at Atsushi's house after his father's death, it took him a while before he could brave showing his face around the guys. Once they understood all that Atsushi had been through in the past year however, the band was more than willing to wait for him to return. It was awkward at first between Hisashi and Atsushi, but even they eventually found a way back to a friendly if what sightly distant relationship.

 

At the beginning of the next year, Hisashi and Araki returned to Tokyo ahead of Yuta and Hide, hoping to find jobs and make music connections in the city. Yuta and Hide in the meantime got permission from their parents to let Yuta stay with him in Fujioka during their last semester, and invited Atsushi to come hang out with them in the evenings. He showed up frequently, appreciating the lengths everyone went for him while lamenting what he lost by not letting them all in sooner.


End file.
